YES! A BIG, LOUD YES!
"But how?" you ask. "Relationship is so organic?"
It's true and if the home becomes authentic to your "couple needs” then the possibilities of replumbing your love dynamic are totally possible. Empty nesters ask this question most often. It's because they've been living a particular way a long time and when the kids leave, the tracks they’ve been riding in for so long are hard to move out of. But it is truly possible and exciting.
Often it's one member of the partnership that is dissatisfied, although my guess is it's mutual and only one is aware and verbalizing. But the aware party can be the leader in opening the issue. Of course, dialoguing without blame is the first way to go. Expressing the yearnings of now, the desire for more romance, more attention to the marriage or relationship, loneliness, desire for new projects or concern for the life of the relationship creates intimacy. When another hears the words formed that represents thoughts, it touches deep. Especially if there is no attack or blame happening, but instead the desire to share. Be sure to choose the event or place for this conversation carefully.
Sometimes these dialogues begin the process of renewal, and sometimes they fail because the awareness is not shared. If the latter has happened to you, then you can look to the environment for some support. Try moving lights around so there's new feelings, more intimate shadows. Use candlelight often, serve meals in more intimate spots in the house, rearrange furniture to create cozy space, put a cozy chair for reading near the kitchen workspot, create a place for conversation in the bedroom, on and on. And certainly don't forget to make the bedroom more romantic. Think of things that feed the current life. This is a great beginning.
Sometimes the above gets the fires going and a more expansive project can emerge. This of course, takes more effort and probably more money! It will certainly create more discussion, but watching patterns of movement, seeing empty spaces that are never entered, noticing how you both are separated by the present orientation of the house or apartment are very helpful ways for moving ahead effectively.
You may come up with the thought to bring the home office closer to the common space. You could decide to add on a sun porch for relaxing or to open walls so rooms don't separate. It's really deciding what you want now. An exercise that I love for finding out what is missing from your life is writing a fantasy day. You contemplate what you would literally choose to do with 24 hours if anything and anyone was possible. Write it in great detail. Your job then is to figure out how you create the dynamic that your story represents in your home.
If the other person isn't into the exercise big time, you can play around in conversation, "Like what would you do with 24 hours blah blah blah." It's a great game over dinner. You might be surprised with what you hear. And by the way if you're missing from the fantasy don't get upset. It means you're very present in the life. Remember this reveals what's missing! The tricky part is figuring out how you transform the essence of the fantasy. Does it represent excitement, travel, romance, alone time, freedom, play etc? For example if travel were the message, to initiate a conversation on "Should we travel more?" would be appropriate. If the answer is yes then instigate the things to make it happen i.e. A drawer in the desk or a spot for travel brochures, videos on travel, articles that enlighten possibilities, a convenient place to store suitcases. You could even each write on slips of paper, places you yearn to see. Then someone draws a slip for the next planning session of an adventure.
In my practice one man I worked with said he'd have a conversation with his father who had passed on. Obviously there was some yearning on some level here. I suggested he bring out some wonderful old snapshots or portraits of times past with dad to help support and remind. I also heard regret for lost possibilities of intimacy so we created spaces for quiet shadings in the home now. These could prevent the continuation of such a loss. This may sound far-fetched, but the note I received from him truly was a testimonial to the process and our success.
If none of the above works, then you need to become a magician and court your partner. Yes, courting using the environment. Be a sneak. Find out what they love now and bring it about. Enhance the corner where they love to read. Leave small tokens of your affection around, or thoughtful notes or a rose perhaps! Try to remember their favorite color and use it. Bring out the candles (subtly at first!), play their favorite music on the stereo, figure out ways to wake up the senses, and be sure you do it according to your partner's index! It takes some detective work.
If either one of you is sporting a new interest in learning something or crafting, consider setting up spaces to let it happen. One couple discovered that they both had a desire to paint. They signed up for a nightschool course took over a now vacant bedroom as a studio, and each had their easel and their library of color. Magic happened.
It all has potential. The home is always a tool to open up the life. Use it well.
A friend sent me an amazing account of clutter in American families today. It was published in the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal on Sunday, October 23, 2005. In my opinion the subject is well stated by this reporter. Before I summarize my own thoughts I am going to quote some poignant passages from the article.
American Families Dwell in Clutter, Unruliness. Accumulated Stuff Symptom of Disorganized, Messy Mind-Set in Modern American Households. (Boulder, Colorado - AP)
“To many observers, clutter reflects the mind-set of the modern household - overburdened, disorganized and compulsive. To others, clutter is a broader symbol of a ravenous culture dependent on easy credit, piling up debt and consuming a lion's share of the world's resources without considering the consequences.”
" People's homes are a reflection of their lives," says Los Angeles psychologist and organizational consultant Peter Walsh. "It is no accident that people have huge weight problems in this country, and clutter is the same thing. Homes are an orgy of consumption."
“The obesity analogy isn't a joke. While personal spending drives much of the U.S. economy, the resulting clutter from all that shopping is so pervasive that some researchers wonder if it might have a deeper, biological component, similar to overeating.”
“.....Scientists have difficulty quantifying clutter. It is a private problem that most people sweep under the bed and shove behind closed doors. On cable TV, at least three reality shows are devoted to clutter management. On the Learning Channel, "Clean Sweep" employs psychologist Walsh. It has filmed more than 200 episodes unloading people's junk.
“Fifty cities in 17 states have chapters of Clutterers Anonymous, a 12-step recovery program.”
“For some, clutter results from more than rampant shopping. It suggests widespread social discontent.”
"People hold onto stuff like their kids' old clothing as a way of holding onto the past." Walsh says. "Or they keep things they think they might need someday as a way to control the future."
“Hoarding research focuses on changes to a region of the brain connected with decision-making problem-solving and anticipating rewards.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
This is powerful stuff and something you've certainly heard me talk about a lot in my book. I think the piece that moves me the most in this article is "People's homes are a reflection of their lives," and "clutter is a broader symbol of a ravenous culture dependent on easy credit, piling up debt and consuming a lion's share of the world's resources without considering the consequences."
I think all of us daily feel the pull to consume. I know I do. I can be finished work and driving home and oops, I'm passing Marshall's. I immediately fashion the idea of pulling in to see if there's a bargain in my size. I've come to recognize this feeling as a need of immediate gratification, because I really don't need another piece of clothing. And I don't need to spend time shopping which takes time from personal relaxation. It's another form of addictive "doing." Doing that I can feel the results of immediately! I also know I don't need a lot of stuff to grow my self-esteem (oh all right! at least I'm trying not to).
Getting smarter about my own reality, I've learned to acknowledge that pull to shop and instead decide to do something else instead. Perhaps I'll go home and read another chapter in my good book, or take a walk in the leaves (if it's not raining!), or stop to see a friend. My car is now eight years old. I have never owned a car for eight years! In fact I used to have a belief that it was time to get rid of a car after two years so I didn't own something that was going to begin to give me problems.
I've had to talk fast to myself a couple of times when I passed a new model that looked stunning, but I quickly remind myself of the unbelievable piles of trashed cars I've seen in dumps nationwide, and discipline myself to not add to the pile. My car runs beautifully. It has a lot more miles in it. It's only my ego that will be satisfied by the shinny new vehicle that I can accessorize, and sport around in town. Not a good reason.
I agree with this reporter that all of our stuff accumulating is a reflection of dissatisfied Souls numbing their feelings (my words) and failing to take a path that is less gluttonous. I sit with many a friend who complains about the United State and its gluttony (we consume over half of the world's resources) and we never mention the gluttony in our own lives. We really need to get it that all these things we're complaining about exist within us and will not change until we clean up our act.
War is the same. We all cry about our sons and daughter being sent off to battle, but we're totally unable to resolve small differences within our families, our relationships, our workplaces. It's all the same. War won't go away until we manage to resolve differences in each one of our lives.
So I urge us all to sit down quietly and contemplate what our inner work is. How we can change so that we are a mirror that is much more helpful to the planet. It's really up to each one of us.
At the end of this great article was a list of tips. I'm going to leave you with the list in case it could help you declutter! And thanks for listening. I have total faith that we'll all get it together. I just hope it's soon enough to save the planet.
Cluttered Lives - Tips from personal organizers for reducing household clutter.
* Have a family meeting to decide what should go and what's off-limits.
* Be realistic. Don't do it all at once. Try one room or one closet at a time.
* Seek professional help if you fail to reorganize more than twice.
* Seek professional help and psychological counseling if your clutter prevents you from using rooms as they were intended, if broken appliances go unrepaired or if your stuff blocks normal access to halls, closets and doors.
* Be ready with boxes, trash bags and cleaning supplies. Know where you will donate unwanted possessions.
* Limit what comes inside the house. Sort unwanted mail and fliers over a trash can by the door.
* Throw out two old possessions for every new one.
* If your Star Wars action figures or baseball cards are not on display or catalogued, it's not a collection. It's junk.
* Mark pantry items with throw away dates in 3-6 months.
* Don't buy when you can rent or borrow, such as DVDs and books.
* If you haven't worn clothing in a year or it no longer fits, donate it.
* Limit childhood souvenirs to a few.
* Read my book, What Color Is Your Slipcover?
* Good luck!
American Families Dwell in Clutter, Unruliness. Accumulated Stuff Symptom of Disorganized, Messy Mind-Set in Modern American Households. (Boulder, Colorado - AP)
“To many observers, clutter reflects the mind-set of the modern household - overburdened, disorganized and compulsive. To others, clutter is a broader symbol of a ravenous culture dependent on easy credit, piling up debt and consuming a lion's share of the world's resources without considering the consequences.”
" People's homes are a reflection of their lives," says Los Angeles psychologist and organizational consultant Peter Walsh. "It is no accident that people have huge weight problems in this country, and clutter is the same thing. Homes are an orgy of consumption."
“The obesity analogy isn't a joke. While personal spending drives much of the U.S. economy, the resulting clutter from all that shopping is so pervasive that some researchers wonder if it might have a deeper, biological component, similar to overeating.”
“.....Scientists have difficulty quantifying clutter. It is a private problem that most people sweep under the bed and shove behind closed doors. On cable TV, at least three reality shows are devoted to clutter management. On the Learning Channel, "Clean Sweep" employs psychologist Walsh. It has filmed more than 200 episodes unloading people's junk.
“Fifty cities in 17 states have chapters of Clutterers Anonymous, a 12-step recovery program.”
“For some, clutter results from more than rampant shopping. It suggests widespread social discontent.”
"People hold onto stuff like their kids' old clothing as a way of holding onto the past." Walsh says. "Or they keep things they think they might need someday as a way to control the future."
“Hoarding research focuses on changes to a region of the brain connected with decision-making problem-solving and anticipating rewards.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
This is powerful stuff and something you've certainly heard me talk about a lot in my book. I think the piece that moves me the most in this article is "People's homes are a reflection of their lives," and "clutter is a broader symbol of a ravenous culture dependent on easy credit, piling up debt and consuming a lion's share of the world's resources without considering the consequences."
I think all of us daily feel the pull to consume. I know I do. I can be finished work and driving home and oops, I'm passing Marshall's. I immediately fashion the idea of pulling in to see if there's a bargain in my size. I've come to recognize this feeling as a need of immediate gratification, because I really don't need another piece of clothing. And I don't need to spend time shopping which takes time from personal relaxation. It's another form of addictive "doing." Doing that I can feel the results of immediately! I also know I don't need a lot of stuff to grow my self-esteem (oh all right! at least I'm trying not to).
Getting smarter about my own reality, I've learned to acknowledge that pull to shop and instead decide to do something else instead. Perhaps I'll go home and read another chapter in my good book, or take a walk in the leaves (if it's not raining!), or stop to see a friend. My car is now eight years old. I have never owned a car for eight years! In fact I used to have a belief that it was time to get rid of a car after two years so I didn't own something that was going to begin to give me problems.
I've had to talk fast to myself a couple of times when I passed a new model that looked stunning, but I quickly remind myself of the unbelievable piles of trashed cars I've seen in dumps nationwide, and discipline myself to not add to the pile. My car runs beautifully. It has a lot more miles in it. It's only my ego that will be satisfied by the shinny new vehicle that I can accessorize, and sport around in town. Not a good reason.
I agree with this reporter that all of our stuff accumulating is a reflection of dissatisfied Souls numbing their feelings (my words) and failing to take a path that is less gluttonous. I sit with many a friend who complains about the United State and its gluttony (we consume over half of the world's resources) and we never mention the gluttony in our own lives. We really need to get it that all these things we're complaining about exist within us and will not change until we clean up our act.
War is the same. We all cry about our sons and daughter being sent off to battle, but we're totally unable to resolve small differences within our families, our relationships, our workplaces. It's all the same. War won't go away until we manage to resolve differences in each one of our lives.
So I urge us all to sit down quietly and contemplate what our inner work is. How we can change so that we are a mirror that is much more helpful to the planet. It's really up to each one of us.
At the end of this great article was a list of tips. I'm going to leave you with the list in case it could help you declutter! And thanks for listening. I have total faith that we'll all get it together. I just hope it's soon enough to save the planet.
Cluttered Lives - Tips from personal organizers for reducing household clutter.
* Have a family meeting to decide what should go and what's off-limits.
* Be realistic. Don't do it all at once. Try one room or one closet at a time.
* Seek professional help if you fail to reorganize more than twice.
* Seek professional help and psychological counseling if your clutter prevents you from using rooms as they were intended, if broken appliances go unrepaired or if your stuff blocks normal access to halls, closets and doors.
* Be ready with boxes, trash bags and cleaning supplies. Know where you will donate unwanted possessions.
* Limit what comes inside the house. Sort unwanted mail and fliers over a trash can by the door.
* Throw out two old possessions for every new one.
* If your Star Wars action figures or baseball cards are not on display or catalogued, it's not a collection. It's junk.
* Mark pantry items with throw away dates in 3-6 months.
* Don't buy when you can rent or borrow, such as DVDs and books.
* If you haven't worn clothing in a year or it no longer fits, donate it.
* Limit childhood souvenirs to a few.
* Read my book, What Color Is Your Slipcover?
* Good luck!
Rejuvenation...or... Becoming Empty Nesters
Today was very special. I worked with a couple you met in the book. At the time I did that work, we were struggling with how to change their home to suit their twins who were no longer toddlers They were trying to prevent a move, and use their space more efficiently. You probably will recognize the story easiest if I mention that we made the living room a music room, adding a grand piano, swivel chairs, and rhythm instruments as accessories. And it changed their circle of friends and their lives.
Well, today they've moved into a new category. They're empty nesters and want to bring their home around to meeting their current life. Both of them had read the book cover to cover (some of the process is new!) and done all the exercises. We went through with the interpretations and moved on to what to do with the house now to bring it up to today. It was great fun! We talked about lots of things, things like making the living room into a library by putting a big table in front of the fireplace, bookshelves around, chairs at either side of what used to be the dining room table. It can be used for dining when need be because the dining room is now going to house the grand piano! On and on. It was such an amazing appointment and so full of rejuvenation and transformation!
The cherry on top was them showing me the gardens and pool they had done with a pool person, using my process, about 9 years ago. It was superb with stone patios, a kidney shaped pool, a stone elevated hot tub that's used all year round with a spill that creates a waterfall into the pool, steps down to the pool, and gardens all around. It used to be a dry hard flat piece of property. Now it’s sumptuous, elegant and fits right into the land.
This couple is not hugely affluent. Instead they're just really creative and attentive to growth and transformation. We addressed the entire house. Much will change, and some things will stay the same. But the only things that will stay the same are the things that are working for them now... like the kitchen where they easily cook together, the breakfast area except that we're dropping a ceiling fixture over the table to warm it up, and his sound room where he creates CDs with a music therapist/friend except we'll add a sofa. We may not buy one new piece of furniture. Instead we're shifting and shaking it up and then redistributing. It's very exciting. My hat is off to them.
This past weekend I went to Santa Fe, New Mexico (lucky me!) to attend a retreat for designers. It was held at a wonderful spa (Bishop's Lodge) nestled in the foothills surrounding Santa Fe. The weather was incredible, but the information surpassed it.
As you well know if you've read my book, my thesis is for the design of the home to come from within and to be supportive of the human spirit. This means forgetting the trends and specified styles and creating a home that is filled with what you love, need and want.
Well, the retreat was based on this material. It was assisting designers to have a deeper relationship with the client, observing their clients more closely, understanding their needs and wants and then asking better questions as they processed. It also was based on environmental psychology. Much of my book was written from these concepts, but the speakers updated me, and also brought the concept to all the designers there. The material was so well received.
This is a wonderful sign. It means homes will be connected to the needs of the inhabitants. It means design is becoming more compassionate, earthy, and sensitive to life. It means Interior design is going to support life in a healthier way. Hurray!
My hat is off to all designers who attended. This is a great new interface to our art, and a positive sign that the client is more important than the architecture or the fashion trend. (Actually architecture needs to come from this same premise!) It's also an indicator that homes and public spaces will become softer, friendlier, and more human.
Now all of us need to get better at using this great reality. People creating homes need to get better at knowing who they are and what they need and want. They also need to create healthy partnerships with designers who will work from this premise. Designers need to get better at deep interviewing and then transforming a client's important loves, needs and wants into powerful and beautiful spaces. The end product will be healthier design, more individual happiness, identity, safety and comfort, and all of us living more inspired lives. Fantastic.
As you well know if you've read my book, my thesis is for the design of the home to come from within and to be supportive of the human spirit. This means forgetting the trends and specified styles and creating a home that is filled with what you love, need and want.
Well, the retreat was based on this material. It was assisting designers to have a deeper relationship with the client, observing their clients more closely, understanding their needs and wants and then asking better questions as they processed. It also was based on environmental psychology. Much of my book was written from these concepts, but the speakers updated me, and also brought the concept to all the designers there. The material was so well received.
This is a wonderful sign. It means homes will be connected to the needs of the inhabitants. It means design is becoming more compassionate, earthy, and sensitive to life. It means Interior design is going to support life in a healthier way. Hurray!
My hat is off to all designers who attended. This is a great new interface to our art, and a positive sign that the client is more important than the architecture or the fashion trend. (Actually architecture needs to come from this same premise!) It's also an indicator that homes and public spaces will become softer, friendlier, and more human.
Now all of us need to get better at using this great reality. People creating homes need to get better at knowing who they are and what they need and want. They also need to create healthy partnerships with designers who will work from this premise. Designers need to get better at deep interviewing and then transforming a client's important loves, needs and wants into powerful and beautiful spaces. The end product will be healthier design, more individual happiness, identity, safety and comfort, and all of us living more inspired lives. Fantastic.
The universe is at work! I have had two more communications from women interested in interior design who have believed as I have for years, that the home is sacred and must be created from what we love and what inspires us. One has graduated from Drexel and her master's thesis was on designing from what the client loves. The other is a woman who has believed this in her heart for years and has, at the wonderful age of 58, entered a design school.
This is so exciting to me. Both of these women conjured these beliefs from their own contemplation, and from looking at the state of design today where the client's loves are ignored and trends prevail. Both have expressed to me great feelings about this and how home needs to be a sanctuary that holds what inspires its inhabitants.
I know there are more of us out there. We must persist. We're on an exciting cutting edge that promises homes to our clients that are so personal, so healing, because they come from within. I believe as homes become healing spaces, more humans will be comfortable on the planet. That has to lead to some kind of new and wonderful peace.
One of the women spoke about my book literally flying into her hands in a bookstore. We've all had that experience when something that the Universe wants us to see is put before us quite significantly. She was so excited that she bought four right then!
Well, these two women have made my week. I can't wait to hear from others. We need clients to understand this concept so they go within and choose from who they are. And we need designers who work with their clients to make this happen. So be it!
This is so exciting to me. Both of these women conjured these beliefs from their own contemplation, and from looking at the state of design today where the client's loves are ignored and trends prevail. Both have expressed to me great feelings about this and how home needs to be a sanctuary that holds what inspires its inhabitants.
I know there are more of us out there. We must persist. We're on an exciting cutting edge that promises homes to our clients that are so personal, so healing, because they come from within. I believe as homes become healing spaces, more humans will be comfortable on the planet. That has to lead to some kind of new and wonderful peace.
One of the women spoke about my book literally flying into her hands in a bookstore. We've all had that experience when something that the Universe wants us to see is put before us quite significantly. She was so excited that she bought four right then!
Well, these two women have made my week. I can't wait to hear from others. We need clients to understand this concept so they go within and choose from who they are. And we need designers who work with their clients to make this happen. So be it!
One morning this spring I got up and decided to take a walk. My first turn was around my property and a stop at the stream. Pow, I was blown away by the sight. Mock orange bushes were in full bloom up and down both sides for at least 2 city blocks! There was a wonderful amount of water in the stream so the reflection aspect was mind blowing.
A few dead branches and overgrown bushes were marring the sight, so I decided to garden at the stream! I ran for my boots, small saw clippers and gloves. The results were magnificent. Just a few snips, sawing down one small tree and cleaning dead leaves that had jammed in a past storm produced a picture perfect garden worthy of any tour. It looked gorgeous.
I was entertaining that night, so I quickly went to the phone and called my guests. Bring your boots, I said! Drinks in the stream. Well, they did and it was such a hoot, a tremendous success. I’d found a new room and decorated it in minutes. A miracle created by a much Greater Gardner than myself.
A few dead branches and overgrown bushes were marring the sight, so I decided to garden at the stream! I ran for my boots, small saw clippers and gloves. The results were magnificent. Just a few snips, sawing down one small tree and cleaning dead leaves that had jammed in a past storm produced a picture perfect garden worthy of any tour. It looked gorgeous.
I was entertaining that night, so I quickly went to the phone and called my guests. Bring your boots, I said! Drinks in the stream. Well, they did and it was such a hoot, a tremendous success. I’d found a new room and decorated it in minutes. A miracle created by a much Greater Gardner than myself.
Hi Everybody! Am just finishing the articles in Time, January 17, 2005. The theme is Happiness and the articles are fascinating. It really deserves the time to read it.
The issue really points up the importance of the home, family, relationships, and how we connect to others.
It also talks at length about being in the moment. I could go on and on. But it you would be rewarded more to check out the article yourself!
The issue really points up the importance of the home, family, relationships, and how we connect to others.
It also talks at length about being in the moment. I could go on and on. But it you would be rewarded more to check out the article yourself!
I met with a client recently who had been a student in my design workshops years ago. She had purchased my book, "What Color Is Your Slipcover?" and totally done the process. We met today to review architectural plans for her new house. Her changes since fifteen years ago were huge. When the class met in her home it was highly contemporary with a very high ceiling, lots of glass, white walls, and white and black marble kitchen floors. Today, her picture journal presented Tuscany styles, strong colors, arched doorways and windows, wood floors etc. etc. etc. There was a huge swing toward her feminine side. The process of the book helped her figure it all out. She knows exactly what she wants in her new design.
It was worth the commitment.
It was worth the commitment.
I have just finished "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. It is a wonderful book that has been on the New York Best Seller List for quite awhile.
In the book Malcolm talks about the problem crime rate in New York City and how they dealt with it through the environment of the subway system. It is an amazing story and one that doesn’t surprise me. It may serve you in understanding the importance of environment in terms of the home. I hope you’ll take a look
In the book Malcolm talks about the problem crime rate in New York City and how they dealt with it through the environment of the subway system. It is an amazing story and one that doesn’t surprise me. It may serve you in understanding the importance of environment in terms of the home. I hope you’ll take a look
I met with a builder and his clients today to consider moving forward with plans for renovation. Surprisingly they had realized that they don’t presently use their existing space efficiently. So instead of adding square footage, they’re redesigning the almost dead living room and dining room spaces along with some changes to the kitchen and family room.
This is great innovation that stops the waste of adding new space that leaves the existing house unused. I see it happen over and over again.
Love, Denny
This is great innovation that stops the waste of adding new space that leaves the existing house unused. I see it happen over and over again.
Love, Denny
A Birthday Ritual With Friends
I have a wonderful support group consisting of five women. We call ourselves The Wise Women. We’re not always that wise, but it feels good to name ourselves that way.
We have dinner together about two times a month. Each of us takes a turn at cooking, so we get to look forward to a dinner party every other week, and we don’t need to bring a thing. It’s the best. When it's someone's turn, each seems to plan and cook their meal with such love and care.
Part of the evening is a check-in. This means that each person shares what is going on with them in their life right now. No one judges or advises during this time. We share our intimate thoughts without anyone criticizing. We also meditate together for about 30 minutes. This always ends up being very powerful for me.
Birthdays in the group have usually been celebrated by a special dessert and gifts from everyone. This year as my birthday was approaching I got very clear that the gifts were no longer meaningful for me. I’m tired of stuff. I’m trying to give some of what I do own away. I asked the group if we might forget the gifts, and instead share in a ritual of my design. They all agreed, and even seemed relieved that the gift giving might end.
I began to imagine what kind of ritual I would want. Since most of the women are quite psychic and healers a very typical ritual would be the laying on of hands with some special music and words. This occurred to me as my possibility, but the idea soon gave way to something more meaningful, at least at this time in my life.
I am finding that connecting to others with very intimate conversation and sharing is at the top of my list. I value when a friend shares a deep feeling, or a profound realization about themselves. Realizing that “sharing” was such a priority I decided to base my birthday ritual on exactly that.
I knew I would want candlelight and incense to create a nice environment. Then I decided to give each friend a yellow rose which is for em a spiritual symbol of caring and love. Certainly, I decided, a toast with champagne would be appropriate too. But I chose that the main focus of the ritual be a series of questions that I would ask each of my friends. The answers helped create a wonderful hour of revelation into who each one of us is. Some things were shared that might never have come out any other way but by this questioning.
The questions went like this:
What is your greatest fear?
What has been your greatest success?
What was your most embarrassing moment?
What is your greatest hope?
What advice would you give a young person today?
What’s your best feature?
What do other’s like about you?
What’s the smartest thing you ever did?
What was your biggest mistake?
And on and on. If you might decide to do this, you can make up your own questions to fit your group. But just know that the time that is spent in sharing these answers brings you closer individually and nurtures the complete group. I am so grateful that my friends were open to this new kind of celebration for us. And I’m so happy that I had the courage to break with tradition. It truly was a gift to myself.
My women friends are so precious to me. They sustain and support me in ways that are constant and deep. Thanks be. And Happy Birthday to me!
I have a wonderful support group consisting of five women. We call ourselves The Wise Women. We’re not always that wise, but it feels good to name ourselves that way.
We have dinner together about two times a month. Each of us takes a turn at cooking, so we get to look forward to a dinner party every other week, and we don’t need to bring a thing. It’s the best. When it's someone's turn, each seems to plan and cook their meal with such love and care.
Part of the evening is a check-in. This means that each person shares what is going on with them in their life right now. No one judges or advises during this time. We share our intimate thoughts without anyone criticizing. We also meditate together for about 30 minutes. This always ends up being very powerful for me.
Birthdays in the group have usually been celebrated by a special dessert and gifts from everyone. This year as my birthday was approaching I got very clear that the gifts were no longer meaningful for me. I’m tired of stuff. I’m trying to give some of what I do own away. I asked the group if we might forget the gifts, and instead share in a ritual of my design. They all agreed, and even seemed relieved that the gift giving might end.
I began to imagine what kind of ritual I would want. Since most of the women are quite psychic and healers a very typical ritual would be the laying on of hands with some special music and words. This occurred to me as my possibility, but the idea soon gave way to something more meaningful, at least at this time in my life.
I am finding that connecting to others with very intimate conversation and sharing is at the top of my list. I value when a friend shares a deep feeling, or a profound realization about themselves. Realizing that “sharing” was such a priority I decided to base my birthday ritual on exactly that.
I knew I would want candlelight and incense to create a nice environment. Then I decided to give each friend a yellow rose which is for em a spiritual symbol of caring and love. Certainly, I decided, a toast with champagne would be appropriate too. But I chose that the main focus of the ritual be a series of questions that I would ask each of my friends. The answers helped create a wonderful hour of revelation into who each one of us is. Some things were shared that might never have come out any other way but by this questioning.
The questions went like this:
What is your greatest fear?
What has been your greatest success?
What was your most embarrassing moment?
What is your greatest hope?
What advice would you give a young person today?
What’s your best feature?
What do other’s like about you?
What’s the smartest thing you ever did?
What was your biggest mistake?
And on and on. If you might decide to do this, you can make up your own questions to fit your group. But just know that the time that is spent in sharing these answers brings you closer individually and nurtures the complete group. I am so grateful that my friends were open to this new kind of celebration for us. And I’m so happy that I had the courage to break with tradition. It truly was a gift to myself.
My women friends are so precious to me. They sustain and support me in ways that are constant and deep. Thanks be. And Happy Birthday to me!
I’m realizing that in this time that we’re all living, heart decisions are so difficult. We’re faced with economical choices, unknowns, codes, personality issues, and physical limitations. It’s so hard to choose from the heart. How do we keep smiling, How do we find joy? How do we move forward?
I was wondering this last evening as I sat at a window in a restaurant having dinner with a friend. On a lower level outside the window was a cafe. The scene was like a movie going on before us.
I could tell you quite a few stories from those moments, but the one that stole my heart was happening at the edge of the cafe. Sitting at a small round table was a handsome gentleman, white hair and moustache, lean body, and a kind face. He seemed very relaxed as he enjoyed his Guinness.
Not facing me was his companion...sitting in a wheelchair. I could not tell whether the person was a woman, a child, a man, but I could tell that the white haired gentleman felt very close to whomever he was with. I saw her stir and knew it was a woman.
Slowly he picked up another glass, a Manhattan and reached it to her lips. It apparently wasn’t easy and took patience. He carefully lifted a napkin to help catch any liquid that didn’t get into her mouth. Soft dabs as he made soft/silent movements of his mouth. His hand gently smoothing her hair, fixing her cover, and then going back to enjoying his ale.
I was mesmerized. I knew I was watching a great love story, such patience, such peaceful commitment. Tenderness just plowed right through me. Immediately it came to my mind what this scene could look like with other choices, the hospital bed, the medicinal smells, the big equipment. Perhaps that’s what they return to, but none of it was there. Instead there was a treasured Manhattan, a Guinness, a Sycamore tree decorated with colorful balls glistening in the setting sun and their evening experience. I was witnessing creativity at its finest, compassion at its deepest, and love at its fullest.
Finally cocktail time was over. He made sure she was all set and comfortable, left some bills, and pushed the wheelchair toward the exit. Their evening party was over. Their picnic on the small plaza. Their heaven on earth / within all limitations. I blessed them both and gave thanks for my seat at that window.
I was wondering this last evening as I sat at a window in a restaurant having dinner with a friend. On a lower level outside the window was a cafe. The scene was like a movie going on before us.
I could tell you quite a few stories from those moments, but the one that stole my heart was happening at the edge of the cafe. Sitting at a small round table was a handsome gentleman, white hair and moustache, lean body, and a kind face. He seemed very relaxed as he enjoyed his Guinness.
Not facing me was his companion...sitting in a wheelchair. I could not tell whether the person was a woman, a child, a man, but I could tell that the white haired gentleman felt very close to whomever he was with. I saw her stir and knew it was a woman.
Slowly he picked up another glass, a Manhattan and reached it to her lips. It apparently wasn’t easy and took patience. He carefully lifted a napkin to help catch any liquid that didn’t get into her mouth. Soft dabs as he made soft/silent movements of his mouth. His hand gently smoothing her hair, fixing her cover, and then going back to enjoying his ale.
I was mesmerized. I knew I was watching a great love story, such patience, such peaceful commitment. Tenderness just plowed right through me. Immediately it came to my mind what this scene could look like with other choices, the hospital bed, the medicinal smells, the big equipment. Perhaps that’s what they return to, but none of it was there. Instead there was a treasured Manhattan, a Guinness, a Sycamore tree decorated with colorful balls glistening in the setting sun and their evening experience. I was witnessing creativity at its finest, compassion at its deepest, and love at its fullest.
Finally cocktail time was over. He made sure she was all set and comfortable, left some bills, and pushed the wheelchair toward the exit. Their evening party was over. Their picnic on the small plaza. Their heaven on earth / within all limitations. I blessed them both and gave thanks for my seat at that window.
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