Can the Home Environment Juice Your Love!

YES! A BIG, LOUD YES!
"But how?" you ask. "Relationship is so organic?"
It's true and if the home becomes authentic to your "couple needs” then the possibilities of replumbing your love dynamic are totally possible. Empty nesters ask this question most often. It's because they've been living a particular way a long time and when the kids leave, the tracks they’ve been riding in for so long are hard to move out of. But it is truly possible and exciting.

Often it's one member of the partnership that is dissatisfied, although my guess is it's mutual and only one is aware and verbalizing. But the aware party can be the leader in opening the issue. Of course, dialoguing without blame is the first way to go. Expressing the yearnings of now, the desire for more romance, more attention to the marriage or relationship, loneliness, desire for new projects or concern for the life of the relationship creates intimacy. When another hears the words formed that represents thoughts, it touches deep. Especially if there is no attack or blame happening, but instead the desire to share. Be sure to choose the event or place for this conversation carefully.

Sometimes these dialogues begin the process of renewal, and sometimes they fail because the awareness is not shared. If the latter has happened to you, then you can look to the environment for some support. Try moving lights around so there's new feelings, more intimate shadows. Use candlelight often, serve meals in more intimate spots in the house, rearrange furniture to create cozy space, put a cozy chair for reading near the kitchen workspot, create a place for conversation in the bedroom, on and on. And certainly don't forget to make the bedroom more romantic. Think of things that feed the current life. This is a great beginning.

Sometimes the above gets the fires going and a more expansive project can emerge. This of course, takes more effort and probably more money! It will certainly create more discussion, but watching patterns of movement, seeing empty spaces that are never entered, noticing how you both are separated by the present orientation of the house or apartment are very helpful ways for moving ahead effectively.

You may come up with the thought to bring the home office closer to the common space. You could decide to add on a sun porch for relaxing or to open walls so rooms don't separate. It's really deciding what you want now. An exercise that I love for finding out what is missing from your life is writing a fantasy day. You contemplate what you would literally choose to do with 24 hours if anything and anyone was possible. Write it in great detail. Your job then is to figure out how you create the dynamic that your story represents in your home.

If the other person isn't into the exercise big time, you can play around in conversation, "Like what would you do with 24 hours blah blah blah." It's a great game over dinner. You might be surprised with what you hear. And by the way if you're missing from the fantasy don't get upset. It means you're very present in the life. Remember this reveals what's missing! The tricky part is figuring out how you transform the essence of the fantasy. Does it represent excitement, travel, romance, alone time, freedom, play etc? For example if travel were the message, to initiate a conversation on "Should we travel more?" would be appropriate. If the answer is yes then instigate the things to make it happen i.e. A drawer in the desk or a spot for travel brochures, videos on travel, articles that enlighten possibilities, a convenient place to store suitcases. You could even each write on slips of paper, places you yearn to see. Then someone draws a slip for the next planning session of an adventure.

In my practice one man I worked with said he'd have a conversation with his father who had passed on. Obviously there was some yearning on some level here. I suggested he bring out some wonderful old snapshots or portraits of times past with dad to help support and remind. I also heard regret for lost possibilities of intimacy so we created spaces for quiet shadings in the home now. These could prevent the continuation of such a loss. This may sound far-fetched, but the note I received from him truly was a testimonial to the process and our success.

If none of the above works, then you need to become a magician and court your partner. Yes, courting using the environment. Be a sneak. Find out what they love now and bring it about. Enhance the corner where they love to read. Leave small tokens of your affection around, or thoughtful notes or a rose perhaps! Try to remember their favorite color and use it. Bring out the candles (subtly at first!), play their favorite music on the stereo, figure out ways to wake up the senses, and be sure you do it according to your partner's index! It takes some detective work.

If either one of you is sporting a new interest in learning something or crafting, consider setting up spaces to let it happen. One couple discovered that they both had a desire to paint. They signed up for a nightschool course took over a now vacant bedroom as a studio, and each had their easel and their library of color. Magic happened.

It all has potential. The home is always a tool to open up the life. Use it well.